There's no hiding the obvious, I've been a mess the past year. I went from being one of the most organised people out there, to becoming an utter mess, not knowing about my life and at first everything went okay, there wasn't much trouble caused by it, but then again, I wasn't really living my life, I was doing what others told me to do.
My life is craving some sort of system, a plan to help me get through the next four months of the year and not go crazy. Also, living in this kind of uncertainty has lead me to have much more anxiety as open time leads me to the wrong thoughts, so I'm taking the matter into my own hands and going back to some of the basics I used to swear by a few years ago.
If I'm honest, I know not everything is going to work for me and there are multiple reasons for that. First and foremost I'm not the same and my priorities have shifted a lot. I no longer have a set school schedule, being in the last year of my masters means I have fewer classes and most of them are online.
It's an adjustment I haven't had to make in such a long time that the thought of it makes me nervous. I have to find a balance, I know I don't want to be the same girl that lived inside its little box, but I also know I don't want to have an open schedule where anything can happen and there's no structure or there's so much free time that I end up doing nothing.
One of the first things I know I want to implement back in my life is dedicating certain days to certain tasks. Mondays used to be my planning days, I would do a quick brain storm and block my scheduled appointments. Wednesdays would be days for me, meaning no work appointments and full day to reground. Sundays being strictly family days. I miss the structure.
Scheduling is another really important part of my plan. Knowing what's going to happen can help you feel more prepared for what's to come and that way I won't overlap anything, which I'm afraid has happened a lot over the past months. Google calendar is about to become my best friend once again.
Saying that I want to be more productive is certainly an open goal but if I can get through at least four of my tasks a day while maintaining a decent social life and doing school work I'm going to be happy. I want to dedicate time to myself, to others, to my family and my passion projects that have been left to die alone. September is about to get interesting.

One of my favourite sayings of all time is "Rip of the band-aid". It applies to so many areas of my life that I can't imagine myself not saying it every time someone is looking for advice, you just have to go for it and do it. Fearing the pain that may come with it, stops us from doing something amazing.
For the last months I've been living inside my little cocoon, fearing the outside world and everything that comes with it, but one can go so far living that life before everything starts to feel dull and you start to crave something else, something that can help you grow and evolve. Maybe some human interaction too.
I've spent most of my month inside, enjoying my time alone, resting and recharging batteries, feeling like maybe I needed that time to myself, to feel better and like my life is more put together, but that time is up. As much as I've tried, I'm not one to stay at home and do nothing. I've been itching to get out.
I'm ripping of the band-aid, I'm starting to set new goals, to take life as it comes and learn how to live my life once again. It's freaking hard, starting and not knowing what to do or where to go, fiddling around trying to find an answer for what to do, finding a new purpose, but that's the point of living life, learning how to deal with changes and move on.
I've started working out once again, moving around more, trying to feel like my life is more put together than it was before. It isn't, for a long time I've been trying to get into the same mindset I used to have before and that can work, I'm not the same and I will never be the same ever again.
I've got to start somewhere and I'm choosing this space to do it, the more effort I put into this project, the more consistent I am, the less challenging everything is going to be and well, of everything I can do, this feels the easiest.
This will become my dumping ground, my progress diary, the place I can come to and feel like I can say whatever I want. It's changing a little bit, but change is good isn't it?

It's been a while since the last time I picked up my computer and started writing, I want to lie, I want to say that I haven't had the time or the energy to do it, but that's not the case. I've been afraid to change, to flip to a new fresh page. There are a lot of doubts, a lot of pain we need to heal and in order to get there, we need to work more on ourselves.
This year has probably been the most challenging in my life, I've always said that my life 4 years ago was easy and I didn't see it, I didn't value how fortunate I was. Then, when things got hard I started to struggle and feel like maybe I wasn't good enough, that maybe all this challenges were going to break me in a way nothing else could, and they did.
For a few months I broke down, my life was changing but something inside me was staying the same and I didn't know how I was supposed to act or go on from there, but I stuck to my guts, I made it work and for a few months I lived the life everyone wanted me to live until I couldn't, until everything changed once again.
Ever since she passed away I knew I had to do something with my life, I didn't know what, so I started asking the wrong questions to the wrong people. It wasn't about what was going to make me become what everyone wanted me to be. It was about what I wanted to do for me, what was going to make me happy and I didn't see it.
I've had two jobs, finished and started a new semester, changed my room and furniture around, painted more than ever before, started and stopped going to the gym and nothing worked. I blamed it on what I was doing, on it not being enough and I was wrong, I was the one creating the problems with everything else.
Changing isn't only about the exterior, it isn't going to be about how I look or how I act around people, it's going to be about how I live my life, how I deal with everything around me but most importantly, it's going to be about creating a new mentality around my anxiety, around my life and around everything that happens next.
This time, I don't have a plan. I have no idea what am I supposed to do with all the time I've created for myself, the only thing I can think of is getting better and maybe finding my true passion. Learning and evolving into a better human, or at least a highly functional one. It's time to do it for myself.