I don't know how to use my voice anymore, I've been writing about so many other things lately that I don't know how to do this anymore. So much has happened that I don't even know how to explain it, but I guess I have to start somewhere, right?
It's been three months since my last panic attack, I've been working a lot on trying to get my anxiety back into a safe place, where I know how to react, what to do. It has taken a lot of time to get to where I am now, I'm able to sleep 8 hours without waking up worried or shaky, I'm able to go out again without fear. I didn't realise how bad it was until I started to get better.
Fitness wise, I faced an stomp. If you know why I workout so regularly, you may also know what happens when I take a break, I get anxious. This month I've been making a conscious effort to get up, do more, move more and diversify my workouts, it's been making it better and I've been feeling more like myself.
Those two factors are the ones that have been the most consistent in my life lately, everything else seems to be either working a few days or not working at all. It's almost like I can't figure out a paste in which I can get things done but at the same time don't burn myself out.
Maybe I'm asking too much, maybe it's impossible but that isn't stopping me from trying. I know there will come a time in which balance is going to be there and I will no longer complain about life and how rubbish it is, or maybe it won't and I just be there talking about this for the rest of my life.
This month made me see that there's only one way to do everything and that's the right way, there's nothing else. And if I ever want to get to that place I'm going to have to commit, accept the mistakes I make along the way while enjoying the ride. It's part of achieving that balance I crave so much, I need to learn that not because one day goes wrong everything is going to go wrong.
As you can see there has been a long learning this month, I've figured a lot out, I've learned a lot about myself and I've discovered what are those that can trigger or calm me down. It's amazing to learn more and more about a silent illness and about myself.
Now, I'm in an even better place that I was about a month ago, it's taken a lot more time than I wish it had but I'm glad to see where I am now. For now, I'll keep on writing, sharing and sorting my life out. Hope you had a great month, if you didn't remember there's much more out there, it'll get better, you just have to remember to keep on dreaming.

"Now, you have to promise me something"
His voice went down, his tone serious. It was obvious that he was scared of what may happen or even my reaction, I knew he hadn't kill anyone, but it was obvious that whatever he was about to tell me made him uncomfortable.
"Whatever you want"
"Nothing that I tell you tonight can leave this room"
"Don't worry about that, you know I'm not one to judge, I can't"
"I don't know where to start"
"What's up with Dawn? She looks like she's into you."
"Well.."
"Maybe we should end this"
"What?"
"I don't see this working any more Dawn" I knew the tears where coming, I hated to see her cry "It's about me, I need to focus, be more myself"
"Is it because of her? Did she break you that much?" 
I wanted to lie, I wanted to tell her that the Jake that she'd known for 16 years was still there, but truth be told, I wasn't the same. Deanna broke me and burnt the pieces. There's nothing else in there. 
"It's not because of her" I knew my voice sounded harsher than I anticipated "If you could only let her go..."
"How? How am I supposed to let go the girl that changed you this much when even you are not over her?"
"Stop it Dawn" I could feel the pressure building inside me. 
"Stop what? There's nothing left here Jake. You were right, you destroy everything you touch"

"So you broke her heart and then came back for the pieces?"
"I did"
"And how did we got here? I mean she looks like she's really into you right now"
"This is where your whole impression of me could change"
"What did you do Jake?"
"Remember last summer when I told you that I was dating someone?"
"Oh when you called me a prude? I do"
"Can I stay the night?"
"I assumed you would, you know my parents love it when you stay here"
"Let me call my mum to let her know"
As she got up from the bed I got a twinge of guilt, I knew all of this was wrong, she shouldn't be here and I shouldn't have slept with her. I should be with someone else...
"All set but I'm going to have to leave quite early"
"Don't worry, I'll wake you up so you can have enough time to get ready"
"Can I ask you something?" 
Her voice sounded different, there was a hint of something I couldn't recognise, sitting myself up to look at her I saw pain, just like the day we broke it off. Not trusting myself enough to say anything I nodded.
"Why do you keep doing this? It's been three years since she left you..."
"Dawn, are you sure you want to do this now?" I said interrupting her, she was stepping in dangerous territory. 
"I need to know Jake, we've been here for quite a while and if you are only using me, I need to know"
"You know what we are, it works for us. We can't be anything else and you know why."

"Now, one dance is more than enough for me and everyone else here, don't you think?"
"No, if we stop you are going to make me talk and to be honest, I don't want to"
"Save this girl from the pain"
"Should I? You seem to get along quite well..."
"That's why she's been harassing me?" A laugh escaped my lips "You should have told me before"
"They think you are fresh meat, right?" His eyes wondered around the party "Maybe I should tell you about them, it's quite interesting..."
"You've used your sorcery with them?"
"How many times do I have to tell you? I don't do anything special, I'm just myself"
"That's pure ego, you can't be that charming"
"Are you sure?" He said taking a step closer "They see something in me"
My laugh grew as the song finished, it was obvious for me that he was avoiding telling me the story about those two, but now I was so invested that there was no way I was going to let all of this slip while they trash-talked other girls.
"I need to know, they can't be like that just because they want to, they need a motive"
"And they may have a motive, but before I tell you, you have to promise me one thing..."
"Yes, to whatever it is" There was a hint of desperation in my voice "I know you well enough to see that you are hiding something"
"I'm avoiding your questions, yes"
"Why?"
"Because the more you know about Faith and Sophie, the less you are going to like me..."
"That's imposible! You can be worse than the guys I know..." I bet he remembered some of the stories.
"Mentally unstable? That's your thing, not mine"
"Now, can you please tell me about all of this and why everyone seems to be treating me like I'm the newbie?"
"The newbie?"
"Your friend right there..." I wish I could remember names more easily...
"Ben...?"
"Your friend Ben right there was giving me advice on how to survive with all this vultures around you"
"Ben? Really? He's quite guarded with new people, he must really like you..."
"I'm adorable"
"We'll se about that"
"Don't change the subject, I want and need to know about everything that's happening here"

If I had to guess I would say that Faith was set on making him look bad for everyone, maybe this was her way of defending her cause or maybe this was her way of freeing up the path for her.
"Faith, that's where you got it all wrong. Jake isn't half bad as others that I've dated, the difference here is that I don't care. We are friends, close ones. Now that you know, can you stop?"
"If you are friends then why is he looking at you like that?"
"Like what? Like we have an inner joke? Like we know each other? Stop looking for things that aren't there, okay?"
With that I got up, the only thing that could calm me down was a cigarette and something strong like tequila. When I accepted the invitation I never expected having to deal with this kind of people. I knew he had ex girlfriends as friends but this was out of my patience's reach, this party became a witch hunt.
How come no one else around here seemed to be as bothered as me? It seemed like this was a newbie initiation, seeing how far they could go, how much they could push a person until it broke down.
"Something bothering you?" I wish I remember his name, he was the first one here "Or maybe someone?"
"You already know who, why do you even ask?"
"Feisty, but I like you so I'm going to give you an advice..."
"I didn't ask for anything" I turned to leave, if only they could leave me alone for 5 minutes, I would be able to think.
"Unsolicited advice then" He grabbed me by the arm "Faith, she's different from all of us, don't take anything that she says. I've talked with Jake about her but he's still defending her, even when her main goal in life is being with him. She still thinks they can be couple, when Jake has moved on from her. Don't let anything she says push you away, you two seem good friends."
"Exactly that, friends. She's looking for something else."
"She's going to continue with that, you can either let her win or spend a good time with him." A grin appeared in his face "You care a lot for him, right? Go talk to him, make him explain you why Sophie and Faith are like that, he can help you understand everything"
"You care a lot about him too"
"After all this years..."
Looking up to the stars I realised he, whoever he was,was right, no one could comment on this but Jake. I just wish he could've warned me about this, maybe save me from this pounding headache.
"You know what can help you relax? A beer and a dance"
"That's what you say to everyone"
"I do but I like you and you seem to be quite normal compared to the other vultures around here"
"More like bitches"
"Now I get it" H was laughing "You have a sense of humour, maybe that's why you get along so well"
"Maybe, he's a good friend"
"He is, he has a sensible heart and he's lost a lot because of it"
"I could see some of that..."
"Done talking?" His voice was deep and shaky, Jake was right behind me "Do you want to dance?"
"Are you drunk?"
"No, but you'll have to drink with me if you want to see me like that"
"Come here" I said coming close to his ear "I'll dance if you tell me the story between Faith and Sophie"
A deep laugh escaped his lips while he turned to look at his friend.
"You told her?" He seemed to consider my request "We should keep you out of this mess but I don't think you'll leave me alone if I don't tell you but we need to dance first"

Twenty two was one of the hardest years of my life without a doubt. I always thought that the older you grew, the better things became and I was wrong, a lot of things happened in my personal life and it brought me down to a really low place. 

Lying seemed like someone people out here were used to doing, everyone seemed to have their hidden interest with Jake. The more I talked with them, the more I found out about him, about the person behind the party. I could tell that everyone was looking for something, but what? What wsa about him that everyone wanted?
"What about you?" Sophie's voice brought me back from my day dream
"Excuse me? I wasn't listening"
"I asked if you had a boyfriend or a partner"
"Not really, I like being single"
"Me too, but I feel like I need someone, you know?" His eyes drifted to the other side of the room"Someone mature, with goals, aspirations, someone... mature"
"Ever met anyone?" The answer was clear for everyone out there.
"Not really, I've been single for about a year, ever since that guy I told you about" Her attention drifted "He made crave something more serious with someone more mature"
"I get you, I once dated someone younger than me and it all went too fast with him" It was the first time Faith talked in a while "He wanted to meet my family and we weren't even together"
"And you? Have you dated anyone younger?" Sophie asked me
"No, young isn't my thing"
"But you do go out, don't you?"
That made me laugh, a part of me wanted to correct them. It was true that I wasn't one to flaunt my relationships, I loved my privacy and every relationship was for myself and no one else. But there was this other part of me that wanted to accept that I had been known for dating multiple people.
"I do, not lately, but I've been known for that"
"Was Jake one of them?"
"Why does everyone want to find a connection between Jake and me?"
Now I had to accept that what seemed like a practical joke at the beginning now was making me wonder why everyone seemed so keen on finding out if Jake was single or not. Something was up with him and this party.
"Everyone? More than one has asked you?"
"Everyone has asked me since I got here and I don't get it"
"Yes, even Faith here was asking me earlier about him"
In other conditions I wouldn't have involved Faith in all of this but seeing her facial expression made me realise that maybe I was right, something about her was off.
"Why did you want to know?"
Popcorn would have been great for something like this. Sophie seemed annoyed at the thought of Faith figuring out something about Jake, but at the same time Faith seemed like she didn't care enough about Sophie's outrage.
"We both know that someone like her isn't going to last around here, she's too... sweet for this"
"Around here? Why are you so set on putting a bad image of him on me?"
"Look around, every single girl around here has been with him. Now ask me how many have lasted long enough to call them their girlfriends"

"She told you that? She can be serious about can she? Can she?"
If there was one thing I was sure about was that he was mad, he sounded mad and for the first time during this party I wish I hadn't said anything.
"You were his last serious relationship, right?"
"I wouldn't really call it serious but if that was for her..."
"It was" I interrupt him, mostly because I can't help it "You were with her about a year and half ago"
"What else did she told you?" Now he was curious.
"No, no. I want to know your side of the story first"
"Why are you like this?" He was rolling his eyes at me "I'll tell you later, okay? Come here, we need to dance first"
It was my time to roll my eyes at him, I hated dancing or at least the kind that he danced. A part of me wanted to leave but after everything that just happened, I was ready for more, even if that meant dancing a little bit.
Agreeing to all of this called for more alcohol. If I was going to do something like this I might as well enjoy a few drinks. Getting a little bit drunk can help my and others cause. Without inhibitions I might be able to talk a little bit more with them and find an answer to why they are here trying to be with Jake.
A part of me expected this outcome, partying before seemed funny, partying now seemed like something I wanted to enjoy once again but hadn't worked out the way I wanted to. It seemed like this part of me was happy to go out, sing and let all my problems go, but another part of me was terrified of going back to my old me, of getting drunk and doing something I would regret.
And of course there was the anxiety factor, having a panic attack in the middle of a party isn't exactly ideal.
Now that I was starting to warm up to everyone in the party I could see that everyone had their groups, everyone except Faith, for some reason that girl seemed approachable but quite difficult at the same time.
"Where have you been?" There was a hint of anger in her voice. "You left me with Sophie"
"Sorry? I was smoking, you said you hated the smell..."
"I do, you shouldn't smoke though"
She was really vocal about this, much more if we took in consideration that I met her a few hours ago.
"I should, I really should..." At this point I should at least consider it.
"Have you known Jake for long?"
"What?"
"You two seem quite close, how long have you been friends? I've never heard about you..."
I could either make her suffer and have a little fun or make her have a run for her money.
"We've been working together for the last three years but only came close this year, why?"
"Nothing, it's just that he doesn't introduce new girls regularly and when he does... well, let's just say it's because he wants something more than just a friendship"
"Really?" There was a hint of sarcasm in my voice that I couldn't hide.
"Look around, each one of the girls here is looking for something and it all has to do with him."
"Jake? Then, why are you here?"
"Because he's my friend and it his birthday"
"Right, do you want another beer?"
Maybe I was being a little bit paranoiac, maybe I was being precocious but something about Faith was making me nervous.

I knew this was a bad idea.There were more people than I even anticipated, I should've known better than this. This feels like one of those times in which life wants to prove me that it's not this easy, that I maybe I should pay more attention next time I accept to go out again, it feels like not even the cigarettes are going to save me tonight.
Drag after drag I feel my anxiety fade, "It can't be like this forever" I tell myself even when I know I'm lying. I should know what my body is capable of by now, I can either find something to distract myself with or I bust with the last blow of my cigarette, that's when I see her.
I don't remember her name but she's all over him. A part of me wishes I could've noticed her before, she was here when I arrived and now that I've seen her with him it's obvious that she's waiting for something other than just a hug. She's trying to make an statement and if I'm correct, none of this is going to end well.
Grabbing my phone I take note, I know someone that will be impressed by this story besides me, Isa, she's been thinking about this party even more than me. I wish she was able to come but work is work and there's no way of escaping any of that.
"Update 378: I've met what I would assume would be her ex or someone new, I wish I could remember her name but for now we'll call her "N", she seems to be the most normal out of all of them. I still don't know what to do with myself or if I should leave, I have a backup. You can laugh at me tomorrow."
"Why so lonely?" I looked up to see him, the party boy in front of me.
"Jake, I'm... taking a break, it's been a while" For some reason he was able to make me nervous without even trying.
"Come on, it's not that bad, is it?" He said while looking around "You've been talking to a few of them haven't you?"
"I've met Sophie and Faith? I'm really bad with names"
"Yes, how's Sophie?"
"Great, she's... interesting" Quite a character but I wasn't allowed to say that much "Why? Someone important?An ex maybe?"
"Maybe but I feel like you already know and you are not telling me" He had a grin on his face, like he knew I was up to something.
"Because maybe I shouldn't tell you, all I know is that there's three women trying to get into your bed tonight"
His laughter filled the space, a part of me expected this reaction, he knew how observant I usually was but another part of me expected him to be more discrete or even annoyed at my statement, instead we both were here laughing at how obnoxious the situation was.
"Remember when I told you about one of my crazy girlfriends? Who do you think she is?"
"The girl you were hugging?" I wish I had better memory "What's her name?"
"Dawn? No, she's another story but now that you mention her you should know her too"
"Sophie? It's her isn't it?"
"Your face, you should see it. What do you know?"
"Everything makes perfect sense now, everything that she has been talking about, you are the bastard that broke her heart"

Looking at myself in the mirror I could see how rosy my cheeks were, there was no way of hiding my nervousness. This was going to be my first party in years, maybe even my first party since becoming legal. Maybe I wasn't as ready as I first thought, but there was no way I could back down from the invitation.
I didn't have a plan, I just knew that for the first time in years I was happy to go out at night or so I thought. "Why did I even accept?" I was questioning myself, my ability to make smart decisions once again.
If my teenage self saw me like this, she would be laughing. No one would've believed how hard this was for me a few years back. Being the life of the party was part of a past I kept from everyone new that entered my life. It wasn't worth sharing that, it wasn't worth changing everyone else's opinion of me.
Maybe a nap would've helped, more sleep is good for the soul. Maybe going out the night before wasn't my best idea, but something about this party seemed right. Something was telling me that no matter what happened tonight, I wasn't going to regret going out or even staying the night out.
"One last call" was my thought, "One last call to the one person that's going to help me come through."
"Lou?" I could hear voices on the other side "Busy? Should I call later?"
"No, just wait" I was starting to walk in circles. I could hear him shushing everyone around him. "Are you okay? You sound... flustered"
"Remember how I told you I was going up to this party with people I don't really know and how I was going to be entering the lions cave?"
"You are nervous right? You are doing that thing were you get all flustered, throw a tantrum but end up doing what you first were going to do"
"No!" Without looking I knew the look he had on his face "Okay, maybe..."
"You can't do that all your life." The voices in the background interrupted him "Wait a second"
The laughs and yelling stopped for a second before I heard him again "Can you hear me?"
"So I'm pulling you from your friends?" There was a tone of mockery in my voice.
"No, you never do that. Anyway, you have to man up or woman up and go in there. Stop throwing this tantrum and enjoy the party, you know you can do it, you did it yesterday."
"I'll buy tequila, I'll get drunk and I'll see you later tonight" Now I was smiling, making him angry was my favourite sport.
Before he could talk there was a shout, maybe a girl, perhaps he was on a date. I had to start making mental notes on asking him whether or not he was dating someone.
"Don't, tequila does nothing for you or me for that matter"
"Are you sure you are not busy? And I'll buy some, it'll be my birthday gift to the party boy and i'll make me man up or woman up"
"Don't go in with the idea of getting drunk, have a good time, enjoy the party and if you have time or trouble, call me"
Now I knew he was serious, he wasn't one to joke around safety or not at least mine.
"I promise I'll be safe but send me your location, I might need a backup"
"You'll be fine, I promise. Now, have fun."
There are very few people that can help me calm down, Lou was one of them and even when I hated admitting how important he was for me and how he was always right, he was and he was important. Now that my mind was clearer I had a party to attend, the first one in years. What could possibly go wrong?