May came and went without me even noticing. Everything around me felt so dull, there was nothing I was able to truly enjoy and life mushed together. I went from thinking the month had just started to me realising that I'd wasted a whole month doing nothing.
There has been a lot of pain present in my life lately and I haven't been able to express it or even feel it properly. A part of me thinks that's because I know I'm not the only one going through this, because I know that out of all of us, there's people who are suffering it more, who are reminded day by day.
Maybe that's why I haven't come to terms with everything that has happened, maybe I'm lying to myself by keeping it all inside. I just don't know how to do it, how are you supposed to go from there?
I've been lucky enough to have friends and family giving me support through all of this, I know that they can see that sometimes I can't be pushed past certain limit. I've indeed been quieter and even when they've made comments about it, I know they understand that even when it's been a whole month, I haven't heal and I'm not close to it yet.
They have helped me without them noticing. I can tell that going out doesn't feel as bad as it did before, I can also tell how engaging in a conversation isn't as hard. Those little steps, those tiny things have helped me to realise that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
My anxiety skyrocketed again, it was a setback from what I've working on since March but this time I know it is a part of the healing process and although sometimes it has been a definitive factor to whether or not I can do certain things on my day to day life, I'm trying to learn from this and how it's reacting.
My health has been acting up a little bit in the sense that since I haven't had energy mentally, I haven't had physical energy and there have been days in which I didn't have the energy to even get up.
Good comes with bad or in this case, all of this brought good, I got into the preparatory course for my masters and even when the first week was tough on me, I feel like that's my place, I want to work to get there and feel happy that I tried to accomplish something because I loved it, not because someone told me it was right for me.
As you can read, this month was more than just tears, even when they played a big part of it. I don't know what I would have done without "Chef" and a new friend that we are going to call "Bass". On it's own talking with "Chef" was therapeutic and with "Bass" it was more about realising that pain doesn't just go away.
I'm coming through, I know I'll get there sometime, but for now, I'll just keep working on and remembering that there's so much more to life and with the weather being so amazing, I have to take a chance a enjoy what I have now, because at some point is going to fade away. Most importantly I've gotta remember to keep on dreaming, right?