At the beginning of the month I said that I was having very emotional days and I didn't even knew why, well this past week and half I haven't been feeling myself.
I haven't talked about this with anyone, so if you are someone close to me please don't feel left out or anything, it wasn't on purpose, it's just that I don't know how to talk about this and not feel fragile or dumb, I'm still working on things like this, I'm learning.
I have been under pressure the past month, December in this household means a lot of work for two weeks, a break, work and a break before going fully back to our regular routine in January, I know that sometimes it may seem like I'm over reacting, one of my friends told me that we all are but that doesn't mean we can't have free time, which I think it's true, but to add to all of that I also haven't been feeling myself.
If you have been through this, you know how easy is to say "I'll feel better with a nap", "I'm tired", when in reality the problem is bigger and we are just trying to hide it, it's not that I don't feel like doing anything is just that I don't feel like myself.
For the past two weeks I've been on and off everything, I even skipped days from school, I even stayed in bed one day, that hasn't happened in a long time and it's easy for me to lie and say that everything is going to be okay, it's just one bad day, I'm just tired. But I'm not, I haven't been sleeping well, I haven't been doing much, I barely left the house this past two weeks.
Today I talked with my therapist because I decided that this was not normal and that talking with someone was probably going to help, surely enough I was right and after being on the phone for about an hour I discovered what was going on, I start new projects and new things all the time and I put myself into a lot of pressure that at some point it's going to make me explode.
I haven't been doing the things I love doing, I haven't been reading, I haven't been listening to music, I haven't even been updating my agendas, if you hear it like that, it sounds crazy because not everyone think of those activities as relaxing, but those things have been on my daily schedule for months and leaving them hanging and leading a life without them made me feel bad and disorganised.
My life has been a mess this month, I can blame my lack of time, when in reality it's just that as I was a mess, everything around me was the same.
I'm not taking days off because I think that at this point this is going to put me in a worst place, what I'm doing is actually taking breaks, doing what I love and go back to a routine. With the pressure there are a few things that I can do but most of them have to do with managing more efficiently my time. We'll see how it works now that I'm also going on holiday.
I wanted to share this for two reasons, one being writing has been my way of taking of my system and number two because as much as I sometime things like this to stay private, I also want people that are going through similar stuff to not feel alone, I want them to know that not everyone is perfect and that asking for help is fine and you shouldn't be judged for that.
Sleep tight and never stop dreaming.