Archive for September 2015

When I think about my future I get scared, I'm about to turn 20 and I know where I want to get but I don't know how to get there, it has been a struggle to get here, I had to fight a lot to be here, how do I move on?

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Major changes had always freaked me out, going from high school to college was not smooth, I don't know how to act when someone dies, I just don't seem to let things go, I get over attached with things, people, memories in general, I like a little routine and going into something new where I don't know how things are going to go, it's not easy.
I have different goals, some of them are crazy and almost impossible to accomplish, others are dreams that I had ever since I was a little kid, like buying my own place and making it my own or travelling internationally, I have them, I dream of them and I even make little plans but I really don't know how to get there.
I really don't even know what I want to do after college, I know how much I love my major and all the things that it involves but I never pictured me as an office type girl, I don't like being in between four walls counting the minutes to get out of there, I like being free, I love going out even when it's to do errands, I just like the feeling of fresh air.
All of this preoccupation became more and more evident when one of my teachers made me think on what I want to be doing in five years time, I wrote it without thinking it and when I read it, I knew that it was an idea but that idea needed a lot of work and even when everything was doing it was going to be an everyday work to keep it going, yet, it felt right. I really want to accomplish that more than anything right now.
I want to fight and create a charity, but I have this awesome plan that if it works, it's going to be amazing, but I don't know how to get there, that idea of not knowing has been hunting me for a week and it's not a pleasant feeling.
Thinking about the future is never easy, you can avoid but for how long, by this I'm not saying that we all should worry about everything and stop living our present but it never hurts to do something to help you lead to that you want to accomplish and it doesn't takes away a ton of time out of your present.

Mayte.

The other day I was talking with a friend, she asked me about my previous relationships, because she was struggling with one herself, it was something new and something she was sure she wanted to experience, she was looking for advice, but she was also scared about our judgement.

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My friends and I tend to joke around about everything, we make fun of things but at the end it's always just a joke, we are really supportive of everyone. She was scared of what we were going to say when we found out, I always though everyone knew that we are always going to be there.
I won't go to much in depth of her reason, I'm just going to say that she is discovering what she likes, who she likes and she's being really open and confident about it, which I really admire.
Anyway, after that I realized that maybe we are all putting a lot of pressure between all of us, I mean all of our high school friends are in college, working during the summer, having fun, accomplishing things and really taking care of ourselves, I know that we tend to push people to do everything they want but I never thought of it as a responsibility, I mean it's always been like that.
Thinking about that, and here I'm just talking about my experience, it's not enough the pressure that we put in ourselves, we also have to deal with the pressure from outside, either out friends or family, I know that I've experienced that too a long time ago.
What I learned that if you are doing something for yourself, everything is going to fall into pace as long as you fight for it, we can't leave behind who we are or what we do for other opinions, we only get one life and we have to decided what we want to do with it.
My advice for her was to go out, get to know new things that don't risk her integrity but also to trust us, to not be afraid of what we might say, we are always going to be there to support her, give her advice, kill however tries to hurt her and make her laugh when she's sad. I also told her that not of us has the right to judge her as we are no saints, we all have done stuff that we regret or even when we don't regret it, we wished we did things differently.
That's always what friends are for, support and make fun of each other.

Mayte.

A friend asked me when did I became such an organized person, I don't have a date, it was all gradually but I do have a story.

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When I first got into middle school I had a pretty big locker and a lot of books to carry, I was a mess because I though that it was cool, I mean my cool, super popular friend was the same or worst as me and she had all of this amazing friends, one day I was in a hurry to get out and I just throw everything into my locker, which by the way had no lock because one day I forgot the key and they had to break it for me and I never got a new one, I was scared about my books and notes, I had one notebook and even then I knew that my notes where the worst in the entire school, I went with the prefect, he told me he had them because my locker was full and everything was on the floor when he got there, I said thanks, took my stuff and throw everything back in and didn't think off that until the next year, one of my friends there was the most organized person I've ever meet, at the time I had a crush with him, he got me interested in being more organized, his locker was a dream, everything was layed out by class and size, that's when it started.
That year my locker was as dreamy as him and I found that I was missing less time in the morning when I had to rush into class, the one problem is that my notes were a huge mess, I started focusing more on that and as time passed my organization extended and I was colour coordinating my closet, my backpack was super clean and everything was working out for me, when I left to go into high school I kinda left that part in there and focused more in my friends and being popular, which also affected my grades, but a part of me knew that I cared a lot about the way everything was looking, I took a step back and started organizing everything again, as I didn't had a locker this time I focused more in things like my closet and my desk.
To this day I've become a perfectionist, I tend to clean and organize my things multiple times a week, but I also tend to leave a little bit of mess behind me at times. The experiences moulded me
What I learned is that being this organized has helped me a lot of times when it comes to having something done really quickly or even being in time everyday, of course this is a thing that involves a lot of personal preference as for some people I might seem a messy worker and for others I might be the most organized person. What I do know is that I enjoy it and I've found it therapiutic at times when I feel anxious, you don't have to do it because everyone around you is doing it, you have to do it because you want it.

Mayte.

I tend to ask a lot of people what they think of my work, I'm really insecure when it comes to presenting my work, I never think that I'm good enough or that what I do it's worth watching.

When I went in to my exam, I was in a mind set when I wouldn't mind if the teacher told me that I was terrible and I needed to go back to a basic level, when I came out being better than I though I surprised myself, to the point when I was in shock for a long time, what surprised me most is that when I talked with friends and family, they weren't really surprised, they were fine, they were like "Awesome, but I knew you were going to get that" and to be honest, that was not the reaction I expected, I didn't wanted a party but I though everyone was going to be shocked.

After that I came to the realization that I always do that, I feel uncomfortable with compliments about me or my work, I don't like taking credit for things and I don't been know where this comes from, and I really cannot even remember how many times I've avoided things like this, where people tell me that my work is amazing or something like that, most recently this has happened when I was re-doing the image of this space, I have no one to ask for suggestion so it was hard to make a decision.

I know that I'm not the only one having this kind of problems, I now that a lot of people out there are struggling thinking that they are not good enough, when in fact their job is awesome and a lot of people are really loving what they are putting out there, we like to think like musicians, we write a song but it's never ready, not even when it's out there and there are hundreds of people loving it.

I learned through the years that we are going to find a lot of people that is going to make us doubt and loose our confidence, but it our choice if we want to listen them or not, because we need to remember that there's a difference between being honest and critic with our job and being cruel and tearing apart someone's work.

That's the reason why it's important that we do something that we love, so we can do it and be comfortable with it and with what are we putting out there, the important thing here is: 1.- Give your best, be the best you can be, 2.- don't be afraid to learn from your mistakes and 3.- Don't be afraid and take credit if you did a good job.

Mayte.

I don't know how to even start to address this, last week I started re-reading and reading my beloved Y/A novels and I came across a regular problem in them, the main character (most of the times) has trust issues, then they find their perfect match that makes them feel beautiful and worthy, it's not always like that.

Through my life I discovered two things, there are people that are going to make fun of the way you look and there are people that are going to see the real you, I also learned that there's a huge difference between being honest and being cruel. Growing up the only thing I heard was about my weight, that I needed to loose some, that no one was going to look at me if I didn't look certain way, all of this continue all the way through middle school until high school, when I lost a ton of weight due to puberty, I was looking awesome, I loved my body, but even then I wasn't super skinny because my body type is not like that, I have a lot of curves and even if I lost a ton of weight, I'll still have them.

Through my first year of high school I gained weight, not a lot but it was there, I went through bad times when people started to point that, so I stopped eating, I received help from a friend, he did a lot for me at the time and I was fine for a while, until I started to hate the way I was looking, I had a healthy diet but as I was not doing much, I wasn't gaining weight but I was certainly not loosing it.

After that I struggled back and forward with my weight, I even started going to the gym, which helped me a lot not only to loose weight but to take anger out of me, when I left, I loved my body.

Fast forward to last week, I gained weight and I feel it, it's nothing crazy, my clothes still fit fine, I look the same for almost everyone but me, I don't feel comfortable with me, of course I'm doing something but in this things there are no short cuts that are safe, but this time I'm not doing it because I want someone to notice me or because someone is saying something mean about me, I'm doing it for me, for my health and to really feel comfortable in my own skin.

My point here is that, yes it is easy to fall for whatever other people say, yes it is easy to choose the short cuts, but there are other things out there, but you can either do it right and for yourself or you can compromise your health and your happiness.

What I learned from all of this journey is that no matter what people say, no matter how they say it, if you are happy, comfortable and healthy in your own skin, the rest of the world can just shut up and if you really want to change something, do it for yourself and go to a professional. You only get one body.

Mayte.

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A few months ago I made a decision, I was going to keep my friends outside the mess that my work life was, I didn't wanted to be involved in any problems or anything like that, I wanted that those that I call friends stayed out of those problems.

I remember being fifteen years old and talking to my mum about this huge group of friends that was around me, supporting me and how they wanted an opportunity and I had the ability to help them. She said that we were going to help them but I needed to understand how not everyone was my true friend and that some people was near me just for the things I was able to give them, at the time that ideas was crazy for me, I though that everyone was lovely and caring with me because of me, not because of the opportunities that I was able to give them.

Time passed and it turned out that my mum was right and after crying and going away for over a moth to think thing through and heal, I came back, I can say that I was stronger but I was just being silly with myself, in my mind I knew I had to be careful, but in reality I was still that girl that trusted everyone, it took me years to learn the lesson, years where I lost true friends and fake friends, years where I understood what a real friend does for you and how a fake friend pushes you from behind, I'm still learning and figuring out how this work, I don't think I'll ever get it.

A long that way I learned how to know when someone is acting over interest and when someone is being real, I found some amazing friends that I know they are going to be there whenever I need them, I may not be the best friend for them but I really do know that I don't know where I would be with out them.

I want them out of that crazy part of my life for them, not really for me, there are a lot of things that can go wrong doing what I do, there are also a lot that's going on behind those closed doors, I know realise what I great decision it was, I know that I may not talk with them as much as I did before, I may not talk as much with them as I used to, but I do know one thing, I love them and the way they've supported me through those rough moments and how they help me grow.

One last thing, if I call you friend but I haven't answered your text, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be mean, it's just that I'm forgetful but I promise you one thing, I'll always be there when you need me.

Mayte.

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Last week I was talking with a friend, he asked the reason behind my break, he asked if I had something, I said yes and gave him a full on explanation of my life, I took that question out of proportion as I was a little bit mad about him asking me things like that, I always though he knew what my life was life, but I guess not everyone needs to know.
That's when I discovered my mistake, I don't always tell people what's going on my life but I somehow what some support from them, as if they could read minds and tell me something that will cheer me up, I had to look back to see how many times this has happened as I was 100% sure that this wasn't the first time.
Turns out that I had this kid of problems for a long time now but I just let them slide and put them aside, but to be honest that wasn't my biggest concerned, my biggest though was, What kind of friend am I? If I look back I can see how many times I had to cancel plans over the most irrelevant things, of course there are weeks where I really can't control my schedule, like this one but, there are also weeks when I just want to stay in bed, that's not right, I want to be a good friend, so I've been thinking on some ways to improve that and really show how much I care about my beloved friends.
I'll start with something easy, ask how she/he is doing, sometimes we don't realise when someone's down or wants to talk and some advice about something, or sometimes we see but we care about us first, let her/him know how much you care, at the end of the day if you consider the your friends is because you care about them, remind them that you are there for whatever they need, or if they need to talk, let them know you are going to be there.
Talk more, I sometimes (really frequently) leave converastions behind because I'm too tired and I just stop answering and then I forget and it takes up to three days to have an answer from me, give it a chance, try to talk more with that friend, ask about their day, their relationships, get involved.
Be yourself around them (and anybody), let them know you and what you care about, let them see your true self, they are your friends for a reason, pretending to be someone in front of someone you call your friend, is the worst thing you could ever do, show yourself and how you feel, those true, long relationships really know when you are faking something.

The language of friendship is not words but meanings.

Henry David Thoreau

Mayte

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Finding the right reasons to do something is essential not only to stay motivated but to be happy in life, if we do something because someone else is doing it, or because someone told us not to do it, it's not going to work, doing something because you love it is the perfect way to assure the success on it. This time when I went into summer break, I didn't knew if I was happy with my career and college, over the summer I worked in amazing projects that remind me that it doesn't matter how hard it is, I still love and learning comes with it.
Nothing worth having comes easy, you may not get the results you want straight away, it takes some hard work and tons of effort to accomplish something, more when it's something we don't know, keep track of your progress, see how far you've come to get to this point, see how much you fought, that will help you see how much you've done and how it's not worth to quit yet.
Do't leave things in your head, I include myself in this, we often tend to leave, lists, plans, things that may work for your project in our head, we never write them down, we might have amazing memory, but we all have been there, we forget that amazing idea we had last night and even when you can remember pieces from that, the idea is gone, write and create a plan to go from point A to point B.
Learn how NOT to do things, my dad always tells me to learn from others, learnt what's right and what they can do better, if something doesn't works, try another thing, there are a million different ways you can do something, if you believe in the dream, don't think that you failed if something didn't go as planned, try something new, a different idea, you can always keep trying and learning from those mistakes.
Keep trying, success is the one thing that doesn't comes easy, you have to fight and do whatever you have to do in order to accomplish what you want, do it with love and passion. as long as you want it, everything is going to fall into place eventually. keep your goal in mind at all time, but don't forget that there's a thin line between anxious thinking, over thinking and seeing the whole picture.

Mayte.

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